A Blind Heart...?

This blog is going to be basically about the heart, which is far from basic.

You see, I was watching Grey's Anatomy and as I watched the scene where Arizona breaks up with Calli, my heart stopped. I was sadly devastated. Not because I have invested largely in their relationship, but because I have invested in my own. I see myself in Callie's shoes, standing at the airport blank and terrified. I see myself there, because I am scared to trust. I would rather believe ill be left broken and alone at the airport then loved and together at the end of the aisle. I make up reasons to push love and commitment away. I know I am not alone in this because friend after friend has come to me and told me how scared they are. Scared? Of what? Is your new girlfriend or boyfriend going to kill you? No, we do not fear the damage physically, unless were talking an extremely unhealthy relationship. We are talking about fear of heart break. What if they leave me, what if they cheat on me, what if they have more power than I do and I am left vulnerable.

What if? I fill my head and heart with what if's. I, as many do, let the past almost ruin the future. I forget to look at Dana and see Dana, I forget to wipe my ex's cruel words from my mind and instead hold true to what God has given me. We create reasons on why love faded out. I can't and am not speaking for everyone, some relationships really do need to end, some need closure and some need counseling. But some, are healthy and strong and worthy of confidence, yet we still doubt them. I still doubt it.

Why? Why do we hold a person to the acts that someone else did? "She broke my heart, so you will too"
I am mostly writing about this, not because I think I have some life changing words to say, but because I'm stumped. I look Dana in the eyes and see such beauty and wonder, and yet guard my heart as she speaks "I love you" from her stunning lips. I love her, yet dont know how to trust her? I do trust her...but I dont want to? so confusing!

Keep in mind I am being vulnerable and honest here, most blogs or facebook status updates rarely show reality for what it is, people don't write in the status "I am completely broken, I also hate my job oh and I'm in debt...good old life" Reality is scary. I am scared. Scared to be hurt, to be honest and most of all, be vulnerable. I dread the moment where Dana wants to move on. I prepare myself for the day she finds a better match.
Now I have great self esteem as a person, I walk down the street and feel confident and what not. But with my significant other, I remember the moments where I trusted and the past person damaged me, ignoring that the one I am with who has never done something like that. Trust is such a crazy thing, you can't see it, touch it or feel it but you know its there, or not. We wake up every morning making decisions about our lives and we decide what to wear and how who we are. I always say to Dana, "I wake up every morning and choose you, I choose us." I think that that is important. No matter what to pick the person you are with. So i try and remind myself I am picking her, not the people in my past. I have already come so far from the lost and shattered person I was 2 years ago. I am stronger, healthier and kinder. I am more trusting now than I was, but I am not where I want to be. How do you get to that point? Time. Thats what it takes, time and communication. Relationships are hard, but worth it.

I guess for those who read this, take from this that you deserve someone you can trust, but that person deserves to be trusted in return. You don't have to trust them right off the bat, but at least work towards giving them a part of you and not just holding it all to yourself. Love is about giving, even when you don't think you have any more to give.

Im rambling because this is where my mind is, she moved up here 2 weeks ago and I just am wondering when I will stop allowing my insecurities to get the best of me and just enjoy the wonderful gorgeous life I have. Life is way to short to be living it questioning everything that is good.