My World Is Not So Different From Yours..

Everyone has pride about something. Proud to be an American. Proud to be a Cougar. Proud to be ______. Pride. Why must I be proud to be an American? I am not saying I am or am not. I more so am asking. Why? Why must I have pride in the school I go to? Pride in my last name or in the color of my skin? Or more so certian things I can have pride in, and yet others I can't. I cannot, or 'should' not have white pride. But I can have gay pride, heck we even get our own parade and weekend called "Pride". But straight people 'should' not have straight pride. This is the society in which we all live.

Us vs. Them.

I was told recently to be proud to be an American, but I thought to myself...Why? What is America. Land. I live on soil, my soil is no better than the soil in Africa. I went to Zambia, I walked on their land and yes, if you are wondering, it felt just like ours. Land. That is all this world is. But I need to have Pride in that land. Why? Because people fought for this land....which is just that, land. I am not bashing on Americans or those who were the founders of our nation. I simply do not understand that world in which we live. I guess it is more that I am not glad I live in the US more than Canada or somewhere else. I live here because this is where I was born, this is where my family is. If I had been born in Italy, I would be proud of that. Who are we to decide who gets to live on our land and who does not. Citizens? I did not choose to be born here, I lucked out, I don't have to take a bunch of tests and pay money and try and try and try again and again to be a citizen, I was just born here. I am one of the 300,000,000 something that was born in the U.S. But why does that make me more worthy of being a citizen? Because it does. Why do we have boundaries? Because we do. We divide land up like it is ours to divide, and then we say who can and cannot be on that land. But I did not create this land, did you? No. For some, evolution did and for others God did and for me, God did it through evolution or whatever other way He wanted to, because He can do that, He is God. But either way, I, nor you were a part of that. And yet we take pride in our land. Our land is our land, but a foot later and it's some other persons land. My "property". Odd isn't it. But I am proud to be an American, not because of the country or land it's self or because of the boundaries that hold this country, but instead because of the people. The people that I know who fight for the freedom we have, because of the hard work my grandfather put into this country in farming the land, and the fact that the people in this country change peoples lives all over the world by missions and charity, I do see those great things. That doesn't change that I don't understand why we have states and countries and what not.

"Gay Pride" I hear this all the time. Allena, why don't you have gay pride. Well because I didn't pick it, so I can't be proud of it. I'm not not proud of it..I'm just mute on the issue. It's just like my eye color, I'm not proud to have blue eyes...I just do. But I am proud, more so excited, to be a Christian. I choose that every day. I wake up and consciously decide to live my life by Him. I have to go against my very nature of lying and sin and choose Him, I am honored to do that. I am honored to be a Barnes, not because of the name, but because of how cool my sisters and parents are. The name is simply our way of announcing our coolness. Pride in baseball teams, football teams, college teams and so on and so on. Yes, I totally get that some of it is out of fun and play, of course I leave room for that. But still there is extreme pride. Pride. It will never go away, and yet, I think it sometimes should. We have pride in money and status, and yet once again, just like the land topic, none of this is ours. It is simple objects. Land will blow away in the sand, concrete will crumble when struck and money will burn. And yet we firmly build our lives off of these basic items. I am in awe of how much the world is against each other based on pride, money and competition.

At Hollister I couldn't work at Buckle because they were our competitor. It was a job. A teenage job. But you had to choose, Us or Them..HCo or Buckle. Cougar pride. You cannot wear a Husky jersey at WSU or the other way around, and yet really, all the the school is, is a place of learning. The USA is a place to live, Hollister is a place to shop and work, WSU is a place to learn. And yet all are places of competition and pride. I honestly could not tell you the exact reason behind this blog. I am more so just intrigued by it all.

Throw away your money, strip yourself of your status and clothes, leave behind your house, remove your name and show me what you have left.
                         You.
You have you. That is all that is there when all else is taken away. For some they are left with themselves and God, or who their God is. But all objects are gone, all things of this world leave and fade. That may be what I am trying to get at with this blog. Seeing that pride in our country, pride in schools or companies. All of it can be simple and fun, but look at the heart of the issue. I ask you to look deeper beyond what is comfortable and remove the mask from your eyes and hold strong to the fact that people are the same. No matter what land they were born on or live on, no matter if they are wearing cotton, silk or are naked and no matter the amount of money in the bank account. I am just like you. I have a mind and a body. We are not so different, you and I. And that person, you despise. You are not so different from them either. Keep that in mind when you carry your pride on your back, be conscious of the fact that you are equal to the enemy you have. Their sin, is as equal to your sin as yours is to mine. So, proud to be an American? Is that what we need, or is more..I am an American. I am gay. I am white. But I am proud to be equal. My world is not so different from yours, My passions may be a little different but none the less we are both humans. Tomorrow, when you see a homeless man, a prostitute or stripper, an immigrant, or a person who is just..different from you. Grab that pride from your back, the part of you who wants to judge them, the part that wants to be proud to not be them, and realize..there is someone who is starring at you thinking that exact same thing. They are proud to not be you. You are someones enemy. Someone is judging you. Someone is wealthier than you. And if you can get to the point where you realize this, that you are no better or worse than the prostitute you were judging and the person judging you is no worse or better than you, than you can understand the heart behind all of this. You can see that people are something to be passionate about, not something to judge. Life is not judged off of how much money or pride you had, but how much you loved and cared. Next time you go to a funeral. Better yet, go to a strangers funeral. And you will see that when you go, knowing nothing about this person, you will leave still not knowing how much is in their bank account, but you will know what kind of person they were, and what kind of impact they left behind based off of stories and the people they kept company with.

So I ask you this. When you die, what will your funeral be like? What stories will be told and what people will be there. What memories will be brought up? Will it be only about your success and pride, or will it be about the lives you changed, the moments you embraced and the people who you loved.  What will your funeral, the last event of your life, be about?

Pride. How necessary is it really? Go a day without love, passion and a smile and you will feel the effects of it by the end of the day. Go a day without pride or status, and you will find that your day is still a beautiful day to be alive. I wish you all a stunning day. Take in the deepest breathe and feel the air in your lungs and know, you are alive. You are still an active part of this revolving world and you can impact it in so many ways, take pride in that.

Walking a mile in my slip on Vans..

I am tired, my whole being is drained. I desire sleep and when I close my eyes I know it is not all that I need. I am craving a moment. Just a moment, to be able to put my guard down, a moment to feel safe and a moment to just be me. I am aching to be normal, to not be a minority. I am not writing this to state being gay is right or wrong, to rub it in peoples faces. I am not saying if you think it is wrong, you are the devil himself or if you think it is right, you also are the devil. I am not writing a political blog, because as I saw from the last blog, that went over oh so great. This is a personal blog, letters put into words, words put into sentences and those sentences describing my life, my world, and my desires. This may offend some of you, if it does, this was probably something you needed to read but I would rather not hear from you on the matter. Now if you want to encourage me, write me because I am always accepting words of encouragement. But not to be rude, I am simply stating that I am vulnerable and weak, I am needing compassion and kindness, not lectures. If you disagree with my lifestyle, I still think you should read this, open minded and hear it from my side, and you could say, but Allena you just said you don't want to hear from us so why should I read your words if you wont read mine. My reply is because for the past 5 or more years I have read "your" words. At least once a month I receive messages on my Facebook about how sinful my life is, how I am wrong, and how I must change. So this time, I am asking you to read something that, no matter how uncomfortable it is, to learn something as I have had to do in the past. But how many times have you sat and listened to the person you were lecturing? So please, put down your already loaded guns and just, be. Enjoy the read for what it is, not an argument or debate, just a person outlook on their life, its you getting to slip on my white slip-on Vans and walking a mile in my shoes. Now some of you are reading this and you are supporters of me and my life. Some of you love me no matter the decisions I make, whether you agree or not. No matter the reason, This Is Me.

I love God. I also happen to love a girl. I feel like that should be the name of a book, maybe I'll steal my own idea and make that the title of my first book. But honestly My Girl is more than just a girl and every person who meets her knows this. But that of course..that is just a side note.
I adore my Creator, I have loved Him since I was a child. I grew up in the church. My mother was a pastor, this of course made me a PK (pastors kid). I was at the church 6 days out of the week because we attended the church's school during the week. Before I was a PK, I was raised on the best place on earth, The Ranch, a missionary training ranch. I couldn't tell you The Ranch's real name to save my life, we just always have called it The Ranch, and that's fine by me. I went to Mexico on missionary trips more times than I could count before I even knew how to count, and lived in Russia for 6 months as a 6 year old with my family while they started churches. What I am saying is, I know the Bible and I know my God. I know where all of you are coming from with your opinions and pleas for me to be straight, I know them because I was taught them, even more so I taught them to people before I came out. I have raised by people who showed me the love and greatness of God. I was surrounded by people doing God's work. I have been surrounded by God fearing people my entire life. The only gay person I knew of was a family member who I did not know very well. I didn't hear the word gay until I was probably in the 6th grade and someone was shouting it at me, because I dressed like a boy. I went to Baptist schools until my sophomore year of high school. I realized I was gay in the 5th grade. That is 5 years of being told you are going to hell, because of something I didn't understand. I hated me. I hated my thoughts, my attractions. I would try and copy girls and how they acted around boys. I changed how I dressed, I changed how I flirted, and I tried to change who I found attractive. Now this is where it gets uncomfortable, well for some of you. But imagine, the next time you go out of the house, you dress the complete opposite of who you are, and if you are a straight woman or man, imagine having to flirt with a woman or a man and making yourself be attracted to women/ men because being straight is morally wrong, because people think you are diseased. Also, do you remember the day you decided to be straight?

As I grew, so did my insecurities, and my depression. Who are you supposed to talk to about this? I could have been kicked out of school, I could have lost my friends, and I could disappoint my family. I was 12 and terrified.

My life was a secret because my sexuality was a disgrace.


I breathed, knowing I was simply existing in a world where I am different. I strived to contain my emotions, to obtain a covert life that slid through the cracks of judgment. I was overwhelmed with the passion so many carried against those who were gay, I was petrified of the damage they could do to my heart, to my soul. I lived only as facade, mimicking how I thought they wanted to me to be. Over the years I have, as they say, come out. Come out of the hindering closet that was nailing my individuality and soul to the floor and closing me in. I have come out over time, over a period of 4 painful and life changing years. Watching as my life, my appearance and my whole being finally came into Me. I studied the Bible as I always had, truly desiring to understand it more and hear out the verses. It was and is so brutally difficult to hear Gods whispers over society shouting. I know I will always be judged, this is not a new thing to people who are different from the majority. But I was given a voice and I plan on using that voice until I can speak no more. 

I remember the day I cut my hair. I, for the first time, felt attractive. I felt worth something, I felt beautiful. Society, my town, and so many others were unwelcoming to it. Things that are just accessories to who I am, such as hair and my clothes soon came to define who I was before I even opened my mouth. My own sexuality was determined by other people because of how they saw me, right or wrong I was a walking assumption. I was looked down on, and continuously am still looked downwards upon because of what I wear. This has no reflection of my own character, or off my personality but many use it as a deciding factor of who i was or am to them. If  I am safe or scary. Since I have come out, I have come to the realization that I am compared to rapist or murderer in most peoples minds. I would like for each and every one of you to stop reading, step back and think for a minute, a full minute of what it would feel like to be told you are just like a rapist by someone you used to call friend, or a co-worker or even better a family member. While I love being referred to as a rapist, i must say my favorite is when people act as if all there is to gay marriage/relationships is sex. like we are sexual animals and that is all there is. I feel somewhat bad popping that bubble, but were just like straight people, we don't have a special sex drive because we are gay.

I am human. I am kind, compassionate and I do my best to live a life honoring to God, to live an honorable life. But I am treated like I am evil because of my love life, people beg me to change even though no one can deny how sweet the love is that my fiancee and I have. Strangers will say I don't agree with the gay lifestyle but you two are so amazing together. We are judged off of one..ONE aspect of our whole lives. The dynamics and complex aspects of me mean nothing to someone who has made their mind up about me as a lesbian. Gay people are raped, abused and killed by conservatives who want to teach them and other people lessons. Our rights are played around with like a child plays with play dough. My character is assumed to be morally wrong, as if because I am gay, I am also a terrible sinner in all other angles of my life. 

I am not asking for your personal approval, to be honest, I don't need it. And you will not be there when I die and answer to God. Though I wish you were so you could see how much God loves me, but as is, this is between God and I. What I am asking for is not for your opinion to change, Im asking you to be kind and keep your opinions to yourself. I prayed away the gay for years, and here I am, getting married next week. I did all the things you think gay people should do, I tried to drink the "kool-aid" and it didn't work, because this is who I am and don't give me the verse on changing the sinful us to be more like Christ. I have studied theology and what you say to me will only hurt me, not change me. Thankfully I have been raised around enough amazing christians that what you say to me does not ruin Christianity for me. But what you say to other gay people will push them away from the Church and Christ. What you say does not create more believers and straight people, it creates brokenness and sadness because they are people with emotions. They want to grow old with someone who will love them, they want to be loved and to love.

My life is decided by other people everyday. My rights are decided, my safety is decided and most people think they can decide my salvation as well. I am gay, trust me, I am terrified as I write this, wondering what terrible things I will get back. Of course I get so many loving things back and I cannot let those things be less valuable. My plea, my one request out of this is think before you speak, before you judge and hear out the person you cast your scrutiny on. And above all else, love. Loving someone is what God asked us to do, so if you think I am living in sin,  love me just don't love the sin. I have so much more to write, and I most likely will write another blog about this because this is my life, and that is what a blog is supposed to be about, right? I am saddened and honestly, worn out now reliving a lot of the brutal things that have happened in the name of straightening out gays...I need to recoup and remember that God and I, we are good, He is the foundation of my life and relationship. If you disagree with all of this and are extremely angry at me, well...ya I really don't know what to tell you...but have a great day.

Just Think.

Lately I have been torn. I don't really think I get to point out my opinions because it is either rude or not the right time. I do not like disrespecting someone on their own facebook let alone in person in front of their friends. I guess thats what a blog is for. But I have worked in very shallow places for the past two or three jobs I have had. I guess maybe you could call me a hypocrite. I will take that title because I do what I must to survive in this world, I work at places I don't really agree with. I live in a "wealthy" shallow country that I am sometimes embarrassed to admit I live in. I continue to work on the hypocrite situation.
Anyways, I am torn because I am bothered by how our country lives but I don't know how to handle it or change it while also surviving and getting by.
I worked at Hollister. The most shallow and judgmental store. And it is directed towards teens. I worked for two sad years at a store that told heavy people you are not good enough for our clothes, poor people that they didn't deserve our brand name, and 'ugly' people they were not beautiful enough to work there. My job title was Model. I was told how to dress, look and talk. I was told to wear tight girl clothes. I think the only time I enjoyed my job by the end is when people didn't fit into our unhealthy skinny clothes and I got to send them to American Eagle and gave AE business instead. The thing is though, every time I said I worked there people would complain about the strong smell or the darkness, and yet every shift I had people were still coming in, even during the fall of the economy, buying more shirts, shorts and jeans. People were buying $200 worth of clothing in one round of shopping for their 12 year old..and coming back in 3 months later to spend that again when they grew out of it. I wish I was a stronger christian, I wish I could say I don't judge...but I do. I live in a world..no I live in a country where people are more worried about status than they are about bills.
I went from Hollister to Starbucks, don't get me wrong, I love my job and the regulars are fun people. But the regulars are day in day out regulars. That means some people who by a 4.50 drink at least 20 days a month spend on average $1000 a year at my store.
You may ask, Allena, why is this is so passionate and harsh? Because of Time. Specifically the cover.

This girl was not burned, or in an accident. No. This girl was 'taught' a lesson by her husband and in-laws who were told by the Taliban to teach her this lesson. She ran from her In-laws and husband before this happened because they were abusive, this was her punishment..What you cannot see is her ears. If if her hair was not there, you still wouldn't be able to see them, because they brutally cut those off as well.  She was held down by her in-laws as her own husband did this. And while this was happening, I most likely was making a carmel macciato for a guest. This is our world. In one part of the world a person is fainting from pain brought onto her by her own partner, in another part a person is selling overpriced clothes to a impressionable teenager. I am worked up about more than just this. I live in a country that brags about freedom, brags that things like this, what happened to Aisha, won't happen here. But things have happened here, on our soil, that are despicable and awful. After 9/11 at least 8 or more Muslims were killed just days after the towers fell because of hate crimes, one of the murders stated "I did what every American wanted to do after Sept. 11 but didn't have the nerve to". One murder decapitated a Muslim co-worker, a policeman shot a Muslim he pulled over and on and on these stories go. But none of the those victims families got money from the 9/11 funds. None were headline stories. I don't recall a lot of people talking about the Muslims who were killed in the 9/11 attack besides the terrorists. One police cadet/ambulance driver, Salman Hamdani, who happened to be a life long Muslim went missing the day of the attack. His family was questioned to see if he was a terrorist the week of the attack, and for six months the government treated his family as if Salman was a terrorist. Six months after the attack they found his remains under the North Tower with his medic bad, Salmon died attempting to save lives, not take them. They did nothing to clear his or his families name.
This is the world we live in. A world where certain mourners have priority over others. I am torn because I am an American citizen but I feel as if I was hurt less by 9/11 than others because I am okay with the building of the Cultural Center aka Mosque in New York. I feel less American, which I shouldn't. I should feel more American, shouldn't I? I want equality and freedom, no matter the religion or race? I got lucky, being born white. I did not pick this skin or my family. I don't fear my life everyday I wake up, no wait, some times I do. But not because of my skin, no...because of my sexuality. People are spit on, stabbed, beat and killed because of who they fall in love with as well. I do not get the world we live in. But back to N. Y., my opinion is just that, an opinion. It does not have any say in what really happens, it will be read by maybe 5 or 6 people and it will end at that. I don't know the hearts of the Muslims building the Center, for all I know they could be terrorist, but hey so could you. All I know, is I was told to turn the other cheek, so that's what I'm going to do. Accept them, even when I don't always want to. I wasn't told to just turn the other cheek, I was told to love them. Love. As Christ loved the sinners who nailed him to the cross because the did not know what they were doing. Why can I turn my cheek to the Muslims? Because when I go to church, I worship in a building with people who hate my 'kind', I serve coffee to people who vote against me and Dana's legal rights, I bite my cheek when people spit on me, and more than that, I defend them. I tell gay and lesbian people who fear and hate christians or conservatives to cut them slack, because "They do not know what they are doing." I am my own enemy, my own oxymoron. I am a gay christian. Not only that but I rarely get along with extreme gay people who shove their sexual orientation on other people, but because of how I look, short hair and clothes, people feel like they are allowed to call me a dyke or butch. I hate being called that. I can only imagine how a Muslim feels when called a terrorist. I relate with some of those Muslims because they are not just their religion, they are what their citizenship says, Americans..and yet, they are feared and hated by their own kind.

I don't know why they picked the building they picked to build that center, I do know the man who owned the Burlington coat factory building had been trying to sell it for years before they bought the building and no one had wanted it. But either way, they are our fellow citizens so if we disagree, at least do it with respect, unlike some who shout vulgar and hate filled things at them.

With all this said, think about where your money is going, think about the other side of the world, think before you speak and most of all, just think.