I am tired, my whole being is drained. I desire sleep and when I close my eyes I know it is not all that I need. I am craving a moment. Just a moment, to be able to put my guard down, a moment to feel safe and a moment to just be me. I am aching to be normal, to not be a minority. I am not writing this to state being gay is right or wrong, to rub it in peoples faces. I am not saying if you think it is wrong, you are the devil himself or if you think it is right, you also are the devil. I am not writing a political blog, because as I saw from the last blog, that went over oh so great. This is a personal blog, letters put into words, words put into sentences and those sentences describing my life, my world, and my desires. This may offend some of you, if it does, this was probably something you needed to read but I would rather not hear from you on the matter. Now if you want to encourage me, write me because I am always accepting words of encouragement. But not to be rude, I am simply stating that I am vulnerable and weak, I am needing compassion and kindness, not lectures. If you disagree with my lifestyle, I still think you should read this, open minded and hear it from my side, and you could say, but Allena you just said you don't want to hear from us so why should I read your words if you wont read mine. My reply is because for the past 5 or more years I have read "your" words. At least once a month I receive messages on my Facebook about how sinful my life is, how I am wrong, and how I must change. So this time, I am asking you to read something that, no matter how uncomfortable it is, to learn something as I have had to do in the past. But how many times have you sat and listened to the person you were lecturing? So please, put down your already loaded guns and just, be. Enjoy the read for what it is, not an argument or debate, just a person outlook on their life, its you getting to slip on my white slip-on Vans and walking a mile in my shoes. Now some of you are reading this and you are supporters of me and my life. Some of you love me no matter the decisions I make, whether you agree or not. No matter the reason, This Is Me.
I love God. I also happen to love a girl. I feel like that should be the name of a book, maybe I'll steal my own idea and make that the title of my first book. But honestly My Girl is more than just a girl and every person who meets her knows this. But that of course..that is just a side note.
I adore my Creator, I have loved Him since I was a child. I grew up in the church. My mother was a pastor, this of course made me a PK (pastors kid). I was at the church 6 days out of the week because we attended the church's school during the week. Before I was a PK, I was raised on the best place on earth, The Ranch, a missionary training ranch. I couldn't tell you The Ranch's real name to save my life, we just always have called it The Ranch, and that's fine by me. I went to Mexico on missionary trips more times than I could count before I even knew how to count, and lived in Russia for 6 months as a 6 year old with my family while they started churches. What I am saying is, I know the Bible and I know my God. I know where all of you are coming from with your opinions and pleas for me to be straight, I know them because I was taught them, even more so I taught them to people before I came out. I have raised by people who showed me the love and greatness of God. I was surrounded by people doing God's work. I have been surrounded by God fearing people my entire life. The only gay person I knew of was a family member who I did not know very well. I didn't hear the word gay until I was probably in the 6th grade and someone was shouting it at me, because I dressed like a boy. I went to Baptist schools until my sophomore year of high school. I realized I was gay in the 5th grade. That is 5 years of being told you are going to hell, because of something I didn't understand. I hated me. I hated my thoughts, my attractions. I would try and copy girls and how they acted around boys. I changed how I dressed, I changed how I flirted, and I tried to change who I found attractive. Now this is where it gets uncomfortable, well for some of you. But imagine, the next time you go out of the house, you dress the complete opposite of who you are, and if you are a straight woman or man, imagine having to flirt with a woman or a man and making yourself be attracted to women/ men because being straight is morally wrong, because people think you are diseased. Also, do you remember the day you decided to be straight?
As I grew, so did my insecurities, and my depression. Who are you supposed to talk to about this? I could have been kicked out of school, I could have lost my friends, and I could disappoint my family. I was 12 and terrified.
My life was a secret because my sexuality was a disgrace.
I breathed, knowing I was simply existing in a world where I am different. I strived to contain my emotions, to obtain a covert life that slid through the cracks of judgment. I was overwhelmed with the passion so many carried against those who were gay, I was petrified of the damage they could do to my heart, to my soul. I lived only as facade, mimicking how I thought they wanted to me to be. Over the years I have, as they say, come out. Come out of the hindering closet that was nailing my individuality and soul to the floor and closing me in. I have come out over time, over a period of 4 painful and life changing years. Watching as my life, my appearance and my whole being finally came into Me. I studied the Bible as I always had, truly desiring to understand it more and hear out the verses. It was and is so brutally difficult to hear Gods whispers over society shouting. I know I will always be judged, this is not a new thing to people who are different from the majority. But I was given a voice and I plan on using that voice until I can speak no more.
I remember the day I cut my hair. I, for the first time, felt attractive. I felt worth something, I felt beautiful. Society, my town, and so many others were unwelcoming to it. Things that are just accessories to who I am, such as hair and my clothes soon came to define who I was before I even opened my mouth. My own sexuality was determined by other people because of how they saw me, right or wrong I was a walking assumption. I was looked down on, and continuously am still looked downwards upon because of what I wear. This has no reflection of my own character, or off my personality but many use it as a deciding factor of who i was or am to them. If I am safe or scary. Since I have come out, I have come to the realization that I am compared to rapist or murderer in most peoples minds. I would like for each and every one of you to stop reading, step back and think for a minute, a full minute of what it would feel like to be told you are just like a rapist by someone you used to call friend, or a co-worker or even better a family member. While I love being referred to as a rapist, i must say my favorite is when people act as if all there is to gay marriage/relationships is sex. like we are sexual animals and that is all there is. I feel somewhat bad popping that bubble, but were just like straight people, we don't have a special sex drive because we are gay.
I am human. I am kind, compassionate and I do my best to live a life honoring to God, to live an honorable life. But I am treated like I am evil because of my love life, people beg me to change even though no one can deny how sweet the love is that my fiancee and I have. Strangers will say I don't agree with the gay lifestyle but you two are so amazing together. We are judged off of one..ONE aspect of our whole lives. The dynamics and complex aspects of me mean nothing to someone who has made their mind up about me as a lesbian. Gay people are raped, abused and killed by conservatives who want to teach them and other people lessons. Our rights are played around with like a child plays with play dough. My character is assumed to be morally wrong, as if because I am gay, I am also a terrible sinner in all other angles of my life.
I am not asking for your personal approval, to be honest, I don't need it. And you will not be there when I die and answer to God. Though I wish you were so you could see how much God loves me, but as is, this is between God and I. What I am asking for is not for your opinion to change, Im asking you to be kind and keep your opinions to yourself. I prayed away the gay for years, and here I am, getting married next week. I did all the things you think gay people should do, I tried to drink the "kool-aid" and it didn't work, because this is who I am and don't give me the verse on changing the sinful us to be more like Christ. I have studied theology and what you say to me will only hurt me, not change me. Thankfully I have been raised around enough amazing christians that what you say to me does not ruin Christianity for me. But what you say to other gay people will push them away from the Church and Christ. What you say does not create more believers and straight people, it creates brokenness and sadness because they are people with emotions. They want to grow old with someone who will love them, they want to be loved and to love.
My life is decided by other people everyday. My rights are decided, my safety is decided and most people think they can decide my salvation as well. I am gay, trust me, I am terrified as I write this, wondering what terrible things I will get back. Of course I get so many loving things back and I cannot let those things be less valuable. My plea, my one request out of this is think before you speak, before you judge and hear out the person you cast your scrutiny on. And above all else, love. Loving someone is what God asked us to do, so if you think I am living in sin, love me just don't love the sin. I have so much more to write, and I most likely will write another blog about this because this is my life, and that is what a blog is supposed to be about, right? I am saddened and honestly, worn out now reliving a lot of the brutal things that have happened in the name of straightening out gays...I need to recoup and remember that God and I, we are good, He is the foundation of my life and relationship. If you disagree with all of this and are extremely angry at me, well...ya I really don't know what to tell you...but have a great day.
I love God. I also happen to love a girl. I feel like that should be the name of a book, maybe I'll steal my own idea and make that the title of my first book. But honestly My Girl is more than just a girl and every person who meets her knows this. But that of course..that is just a side note.
I adore my Creator, I have loved Him since I was a child. I grew up in the church. My mother was a pastor, this of course made me a PK (pastors kid). I was at the church 6 days out of the week because we attended the church's school during the week. Before I was a PK, I was raised on the best place on earth, The Ranch, a missionary training ranch. I couldn't tell you The Ranch's real name to save my life, we just always have called it The Ranch, and that's fine by me. I went to Mexico on missionary trips more times than I could count before I even knew how to count, and lived in Russia for 6 months as a 6 year old with my family while they started churches. What I am saying is, I know the Bible and I know my God. I know where all of you are coming from with your opinions and pleas for me to be straight, I know them because I was taught them, even more so I taught them to people before I came out. I have raised by people who showed me the love and greatness of God. I was surrounded by people doing God's work. I have been surrounded by God fearing people my entire life. The only gay person I knew of was a family member who I did not know very well. I didn't hear the word gay until I was probably in the 6th grade and someone was shouting it at me, because I dressed like a boy. I went to Baptist schools until my sophomore year of high school. I realized I was gay in the 5th grade. That is 5 years of being told you are going to hell, because of something I didn't understand. I hated me. I hated my thoughts, my attractions. I would try and copy girls and how they acted around boys. I changed how I dressed, I changed how I flirted, and I tried to change who I found attractive. Now this is where it gets uncomfortable, well for some of you. But imagine, the next time you go out of the house, you dress the complete opposite of who you are, and if you are a straight woman or man, imagine having to flirt with a woman or a man and making yourself be attracted to women/ men because being straight is morally wrong, because people think you are diseased. Also, do you remember the day you decided to be straight?
As I grew, so did my insecurities, and my depression. Who are you supposed to talk to about this? I could have been kicked out of school, I could have lost my friends, and I could disappoint my family. I was 12 and terrified.
My life was a secret because my sexuality was a disgrace.
I breathed, knowing I was simply existing in a world where I am different. I strived to contain my emotions, to obtain a covert life that slid through the cracks of judgment. I was overwhelmed with the passion so many carried against those who were gay, I was petrified of the damage they could do to my heart, to my soul. I lived only as facade, mimicking how I thought they wanted to me to be. Over the years I have, as they say, come out. Come out of the hindering closet that was nailing my individuality and soul to the floor and closing me in. I have come out over time, over a period of 4 painful and life changing years. Watching as my life, my appearance and my whole being finally came into Me. I studied the Bible as I always had, truly desiring to understand it more and hear out the verses. It was and is so brutally difficult to hear Gods whispers over society shouting. I know I will always be judged, this is not a new thing to people who are different from the majority. But I was given a voice and I plan on using that voice until I can speak no more.
I remember the day I cut my hair. I, for the first time, felt attractive. I felt worth something, I felt beautiful. Society, my town, and so many others were unwelcoming to it. Things that are just accessories to who I am, such as hair and my clothes soon came to define who I was before I even opened my mouth. My own sexuality was determined by other people because of how they saw me, right or wrong I was a walking assumption. I was looked down on, and continuously am still looked downwards upon because of what I wear. This has no reflection of my own character, or off my personality but many use it as a deciding factor of who i was or am to them. If I am safe or scary. Since I have come out, I have come to the realization that I am compared to rapist or murderer in most peoples minds. I would like for each and every one of you to stop reading, step back and think for a minute, a full minute of what it would feel like to be told you are just like a rapist by someone you used to call friend, or a co-worker or even better a family member. While I love being referred to as a rapist, i must say my favorite is when people act as if all there is to gay marriage/relationships is sex. like we are sexual animals and that is all there is. I feel somewhat bad popping that bubble, but were just like straight people, we don't have a special sex drive because we are gay.
I am human. I am kind, compassionate and I do my best to live a life honoring to God, to live an honorable life. But I am treated like I am evil because of my love life, people beg me to change even though no one can deny how sweet the love is that my fiancee and I have. Strangers will say I don't agree with the gay lifestyle but you two are so amazing together. We are judged off of one..ONE aspect of our whole lives. The dynamics and complex aspects of me mean nothing to someone who has made their mind up about me as a lesbian. Gay people are raped, abused and killed by conservatives who want to teach them and other people lessons. Our rights are played around with like a child plays with play dough. My character is assumed to be morally wrong, as if because I am gay, I am also a terrible sinner in all other angles of my life.
I am not asking for your personal approval, to be honest, I don't need it. And you will not be there when I die and answer to God. Though I wish you were so you could see how much God loves me, but as is, this is between God and I. What I am asking for is not for your opinion to change, Im asking you to be kind and keep your opinions to yourself. I prayed away the gay for years, and here I am, getting married next week. I did all the things you think gay people should do, I tried to drink the "kool-aid" and it didn't work, because this is who I am and don't give me the verse on changing the sinful us to be more like Christ. I have studied theology and what you say to me will only hurt me, not change me. Thankfully I have been raised around enough amazing christians that what you say to me does not ruin Christianity for me. But what you say to other gay people will push them away from the Church and Christ. What you say does not create more believers and straight people, it creates brokenness and sadness because they are people with emotions. They want to grow old with someone who will love them, they want to be loved and to love.
My life is decided by other people everyday. My rights are decided, my safety is decided and most people think they can decide my salvation as well. I am gay, trust me, I am terrified as I write this, wondering what terrible things I will get back. Of course I get so many loving things back and I cannot let those things be less valuable. My plea, my one request out of this is think before you speak, before you judge and hear out the person you cast your scrutiny on. And above all else, love. Loving someone is what God asked us to do, so if you think I am living in sin, love me just don't love the sin. I have so much more to write, and I most likely will write another blog about this because this is my life, and that is what a blog is supposed to be about, right? I am saddened and honestly, worn out now reliving a lot of the brutal things that have happened in the name of straightening out gays...I need to recoup and remember that God and I, we are good, He is the foundation of my life and relationship. If you disagree with all of this and are extremely angry at me, well...ya I really don't know what to tell you...but have a great day.
this was beautiful. it's hard to ignore the bad, but remember all the good and most of all God loves you just the way you are :)
ReplyDeleteBeautifully and eloquently written...Thank you for sharing your life and experiences. It is so important for all of us to walk in each other's shoes. Hopefully we gain perspective, respect for others, a deeper understanding and most important, compassion.
ReplyDeleteI stand up and cheer you! I know how hard that was to write for you. ( believe it or not )
ReplyDeletethey are BEAUTIFUL, honest & true words, being TRUE to YOU, & agreeing to disagree.
I am there with you in the everyday "feeling".
mwaah my young friend, BRAVO!
Please keep writing
*remember what you told me @ our going away party about your 1st book! think that title is awesome, just sayin'!!! :)
*hug* You are a very strong and dynamic person, Allena. It's difficult to think of you being victimized, not only in the sense that it's hard to picture, because whenever I see you you're cool and eloquent, but also in the sense that it saddens me to think of someone as kind and compassionate as you being hurt.
ReplyDeleteI think it's easy for someone who's not in a minority to live unaware of the struggles of minorities. I know in theory that gays are persecuted and victimized, but it still shocks me every time I hear a personal story about it.
If I can do anything to support you or ease your struggle, let me know <3
Dear Allena,
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave, beautiful woman with a the heart of a lion! I love you and am So proud of you and the "chutzpah" (Yiddish for guts)it takes to write your heart like you do! Keep writing dear one!!!
I actually cried reading this. Allena you have so much heart and soul more than anyone I have met. You have always encouraged me and given me hope when I was weakest. Here I am, telling you that I love you and that your faith and love for God is inspiring and touches my heart. Thank you so much for being strong enough to be you in front of the world.
ReplyDelete- Letizia
Allena, I'm so glad you wrote about this and I encourage you to write more. It is unfortunate that us humans have taken out the most important parts of what it means to truly be human in order to follow what someone woke up one morning and just "decided" would be "the way"... and blindfully many followed without asking questions, abandoning all sense of true-self and tucking away whatever was left in the process to hide differences that exist in nearly everyone. Wow, did that even make sense? Well it did in my mind hahahaa. ahh! omg I just love you blog. I'm just trying to say that we as humans do some very confusing things throughout our lives to try to fit some sort of mold of a person that we are apparently supposed to be. Tell me, who decides who we are supposed to be if God created us for who we are supposed to be? Who is anyone to tell you or anyone else who God made you to be? Who gives them permission? I'm sorry but there is absolutely no way God gave one person more power to judge people over another.
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm going on a rant, everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. But, as humans we need to also realize that those thoughts, beliefs, and opinions that we hold so dearly... The ones we're entitled to doesn't make them "more right", it doesn't make them better than the next, and that's ok... But don't dare, for one minute, think that those beliefs and opinions should be able to break your neighbor's. We are entitled to our own, but we are also entitled to know that we aren't the only humans with a mind, with feelings, with lives... We all breath the same air so don't forget that.
I'm tired of "society" picking and choosing how I or you, or anyone should be. Why is it always up to those random people? It's all about who has the money, the power, or whatever the scarce resource is that we all greedily want at the moment that the other person has. Why is it that we (as a society- as human beings) blindly follow? It's amazing the things people will adopt and live by just because "someone told them so". It's time to start asking ourselves why.
ReplyDeleteSweet Alena, I should have told you in high school that I knew. I was worried about offending you and I should have just said that of course I would have supported you, stood by you, done whatever I could so you wouldnt feel alone. Please forgive me. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I should have...been braver. I was totally on your side, but in silence. And thats worthless. Your words are indeed beautiful, inspiring, and thought provoking for those who are afraid to just think. Thank you. Melea Dean (Denison when you knew me)
ReplyDeleteI didn't know u were gay for quite a while of being friends with you. My mom was the first person to look at me and tell me you were. I remember telling her u weren't as if she was saying something mean. I realized later that she let me in on a secret before u did! I should have known since u were hilarious and. reminded me of my guy friends. I could tell u anything and u would listen. I never knew what gay was all about until I became bestfriends with u! And I vividly remember our huge fight...and now for the first time I think I know why. Anyway all of this was to say I love you to pieces ese hache u will always be a superhero to me :) friends for life...plus I need to meet Dana lol anyway thanks for the beautiful words! I'm always here for you :)
ReplyDeleteThere's this girl named Allena....and I think she's the coolest thing. I love her to bits. I feel her pain more than she realizes perhaps, but more than that I feel her love. The love she has for her God, for humanity and especially for that Special one Dana who 'gets her'like no one else ever has. To be Known and be Loved is a beautiful thing. And that Dana, What a Gem <3 <3... So glad you never lost your voice while in the process of finding your true self. Standing with you always. Proud to call you both our friends!!!
ReplyDeleteAs a Christian this is something I have struggled with and prayed about and argued with others over. As you had to come to a place of understanding for yourself, I believe that we as Christians have to do that also. Most of the Christians I know want to do what God says. Most are not mean or evil or wanting to hurt anyone, although some may be..... Most are just trying to navigate something that they have been taught and told was wrong from day one. Most of us can just walk away from it, but for you it is personal and that is where the rubber meets the road. I believe the only way Christians can settle their hearts and minds about this is to remember that God did not send us to earth to "fix" anyone. Not even ourselves... He sent His Son to, and it is only because of His grace that we are not all doomed. It is only because of His grace that we, you and me, will stand in His presence one day totally accepted and loved. We are all hopeless without Him and yet He is our hope.. Yours and mine Alena. Yours and mine. Thank you for your courage in writing this. Kathi
ReplyDeleteAllena: You probably don't remember me. My husband, Cliff and I lived at "The Ranch" when you and your sisters were very young. I led worship at the Desert Vineyard for a few years. Your mom and dad were the reason I had kids. I wouldn't have if I hadnt seen what amazing people you and your sisters were...and still are. I follow you and your family from my Facebook "creeping". :-) I must say, I admire you; your courage, your beauty. I still think you're amazing. I wish society would find MY sins so disgusting. I wish they would berate me for being critical, self-righteous, undisciplined. But they don't. My evil goes un-noticed as people pick and choose which "sins" are the worst and therefore deserve ridicule. I don't know where I stand personally on the issues of sexual orientation. But honestly, my opinion doesn't matter. Only God's does. You are God's with your faults and your strengths. All I know is that whatever shortcomings you have, they are no worse than mine. It's a shame that when people see you, all they see is something they don't like. Maybe they (we) should take a closer look in the mirror and see for themselves how ugly THAT sin really looks. Stay strong. Stand firm in your faith and please don't let the judgemental fools rob you of your joy!
ReplyDeleteGreat blog...we have a lot in common :) I too am a gay Christian I too have a blog www.brandiilyne.blogspot.com I was a 37 year old Pastor when I finally accepted my sexuality and came out! It was the most liberating and devastating time in my life, I lost some people but I gained so much IT WAS worth it!! FINALLY I have peace in my life AND my relationship with God is intact! Daniel Radcliffe said, "If you can wake up every morning and be emotionally honest, regardless of what you get back from the world, then you can be the hero of your own story...A hero is someone who, despite all the pain, doubt, and uncertainty that can plague us all, is resiliently and unashamedly them self!! Honesty is the most heroic quality that one can aspire to...so GO iBOLDLY & HONESTLY into the world! Learn to love the fact that there is no one else quite like you!!" God bless you sweetie
ReplyDelete