Today I Said Yes To Forever.

On January 20th I woke up single, meaning that when I went to the doctors and they asked what is your status I put 'single'. Of course anyone who knows me, knows I am extremely taken. I am an a monogamous relationship with Dana Louise Gross. Dana is a wonderful woman, that is undeniable. She loves the Lord and does her taxes. She is a hard working business woman who knows the power of compassion. She is beyond hilarious and is humble in so many ways. She leaves me speechless with her wisdom and knowledge. Dana, who was before January 20th my girlfriend, is now my fiance. She is my fiance because I didn't want to check single anymore. I didn't want to look single by standards because I don't have a ring on my left ring finger.  I didn't want to be single, I wanted to be hers. I woke up on friday knowing that that day was different, that day was going to change my life. Now let it be known I had been planning on proposing for years, and when I say years I mean years, ask my best friends. Dana and I are at two and half years, and I have been planning on proposing for two and half years. I knew the day she walked into my life, well wrote into my life. I met Dana through a Facebook message and after about three hours of talking to her on Facebook, as silly as that sounds, I told my younger sister I had met the woman I was going to marry. And I had. She was everything any person reading this could ask for. Brilliant, loving and strong. She had the most striking heart and life changing personality. Of course as all of you know, I didn't ask her that day. But after years of knowing her, friday  I woke up and said out loud while still laying in my comfy bed, "Today I am going to ask Dana to marry me." And that was it. I knew that day I couldn't wait another breathe or blink, another heart beat or step, I couldn't wait for life to continue to happen as just her girlfriend. I could't wait. I could't wait to start planning our future together because before friday, we had two different futures and yes they were wrapped around each others but nothing made them solid. We were girlfriends, not spouses. After I got out of bed, got ready for the day and left for the ring shop I couldn't stop thinking about how I would do it. Like I had said, I have been planning this for years. I had millions of ideas. Romantic, over the top, make every girl swoon ideas. But as I bought the ring and showed my mom, sisters and dad. I realized, marriage is about each other, not just me. I took a solid respectful step back and analyzed myself and Dana. I realized she loves me buying her flowers every two weeks because its me showing her I'm thinking of her but all the other stuff I do... Thats for me. The romantic dinners, the mushy movies, the Shakespeare love letters I write her... Those are actions that I do to show her my love. But this, this proposal, this is for her to show her I understand her love. It couldn't be over the top, fire works and lovey dovey music or doves or everyone we know playing a part with crazy poems or musical lyrics. To Dana all she cares about is simply us. Our time. She would rather have a romantic night in on the couch watching Grey's in our sweats and eating Chipotle then a dressed up "romantic" night out at a fancy Portland restaurant. That's when it hit me. So when I went to meet up with her and started talking about our day, and turned on my Mac to record me getting on my knee and just..started telling her how much she means to me, when I got down on my knee and told her she was the best thing that God gave me, when I couldn't stop telling her how breathe taking she is and asked her to make my world a better place by becoming my wife, well....She had no idea what hit her. She wasn't expecting simple at all. She thought I had been waiting for a few months from now and would use the fireworks and parade and hoopla. And after she finally stopped saying "Oh my gosh" and "waiiit waiiit waiit....no no no this is not real!!" she finally said, "Yes!" of course and "You totally get me. You made it simple, for me!" It confirmed that I was ready to stop checking 'single' at the doctors office. I was ready to stop having my life and share it with her. When I went to sleep on friday the 20th, I started the process of no longer checking 'single' and checking 'married' instead. Everyone keeps asking why now? And I keep saying, "Why not." Forever started yesterday and I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow. I waited long enough to confirm she is my person, so why not? We argue, we love, we making amazing memories and moments together, we build each other up and continue to help one another grow. We confront each other and call each other out. We talk about money, goals and God. Of course we have so many things to learn, so why not start learning them as a family instead of as girlfriends. That is why now, that is why today. Because I am so excited to marry Dana Louise Gross. I am so ready to start my life with her and continue to create amazing things together. I am so excited to start a new family, the Barnes-Gross family. Full of new traditions and new adventures. I know for a fact she will be adding more to my life than I could ever add to hers, and I will forever be grateful to her for that. She is past stunning and she beyond lovely. Every aspect of her is human and real, she is graceful and delicate while being at that exact same moment strong and durable. I am unbelievably ecstatic because Dana is my fiance now. She said yes and put on the ring that represents forever. So not only did I say yes to forever, so did she.

So, everyone, let the wedding planning begin!

Life and the pains of Death.

My family, which has a larger span than just blood and name, has lost an amazing man this month. This sad awakening reminds me that life has no promises but the promise of God and His grace and strength. If you are not a believer in God and you want to stop reading this, I encourage you and ask you to please read this through. I know life is short and you each choose how you spend your time wisely and you dont want to waste any of, i hope this isnt a waste. But read it and take it all in as it is, my words written down, some of it may apply to those who follow Christ, and some can be for any person of any faith base. But either way, it is about Life. Life and all that that entails. Life is nothing short of amazing, but there are deserts and valleys along the way. It never made a vow to be easy, and no one has in writing that Life said it would take a break on us. Sometimes our vision is blurred or our muscles are weak, but life continues on. We are able to continue on because God is good, and He is great, that is why He is God. That is why I am not. I am human, as are you. We see the moment as it is, a moment. Fleeting and ending. Our moments are simply and yet His, oh how massive and unfathomable are His moments. His moments, which to Him are nothing but breathes are like lifetimes to us. Yet, even as He is so much greater and larger then we can imagine, He continues to meet us where we are.

He met me where I was this week, a place of frustration, sadness and full of questions. I sat with my girlfriend one night, a night or two after I heard news of our family friend dying, angry at God. I was disappointed and confused. I called God a bully and so many other things that left me even more upset than I was at the beginning. I questioned God and I started asking questions that ended up giving me answers to so many different things. I realized that my life is about having a relationship with Him, getting to know Him and helping others to get to know Him. It is about seeing God as You see Him. Not how others tell you to see Him, but sitting down and seeing Him for who He shows Himself to be, to you. For me, Jesus is my passenger. Seriously. I have had a commute for the past four years. A 40 min commute one way and sometimes longer coming back with traffic. And Jesus chills with me in my car. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we listen to good music, sometimes we laugh and sometimes...Sometimes we cry. This week Jesus and I cried. Part of the week I spent crying and yelling, part of it I spent crying and asking. But no where in this week, or last week or last year was Jesus unable to carpool with me. Nowhere in there did He say, sorry Allie Cat, I just can show up today, maybe tomorrow. No Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit show up, prepared for my emotional, stubborn and questioning soul. They do not get angry when i ask questions or doubt them. They do not act out or walk away, or tell me to stop talking. They listen, and when I stop rambling, they speak. They speak quietly and softly, a faint whisper almost. But nonetheless, they speak. It is us, who doesn't listen. We forget to listen. We forget to stop what we are doing, put down the pen, laptop or job and just be. See the beauty in the world that is there, and for those who live in Lancaster, i totally relate when you say "but Allena, what beauty are you talking about.." its because you guys are in the desert phase of your life, but someday i hope you find a better place, like the northwest to live. ;)

But still Life and all that it is, is short. It feels like yesterday I was running around on the Ranch, being raised by 20 different people from all over the world. I am now 22 and my life is so different than I thought it would be. I have seen people dying of AID's in Africa, orphan's needing homes in Mexico and homeless people needing food in the cold streets of Seattle. I have seen heartbreak and felt it myself. I have fallen in love and felt the beauty of simply holding hands with the love of your life. But I have cried and held those I love as they shed tears from pain. I have lost loved ones and seen those i love lose people as well. Life is a roller coaster that one day will end. It will be abrupt and for those around you, it will have come to soon. But God will know how it fits into His mapped out, planned out way. And I trust that, with all that I am. I will ache when those I love dearly pass away. When I get that call of my sisters, parents, Dana or those i call family dying i will ache. But i will have trust that somehow, somewere in the mix of all that pain, there is a point to it. A reason that it happened. I may never know the reason behind the pain of death, but it is there. Just as much as the beauty behind the sacrifice of Christs death. It was painful and in that moment of pain God cried, He felt the exact pain that we as humans feel. He relates with us, and mourns with us. Like I said God meets us where we are at.

I Have A Hope..

Today is a day "off" for most. We are taking the day to relax, making it a holiday. Today is Martin Luther King Jr.'s day. The man starting a change that rippled and turned into a wave that impacted a whole nation. He changed lives and did so without hate or the thirst of power or money. He did it using respect, words and intelligence. Mr. King had a dream and it is in the process of being lived out. Today, people still don't really like talking about race, discrimination, minorities or people who shouldn't be here. I want to spend today thinking about what needs to happen and what has happened in the past.
 The US is full of bad things, good things and neutral things. The honest reality is that the world, all of it, is full of good and bad. The way we handle it though is the pivotal issue. Martin Luther King Jr. stood for more then just accepting people who are black. It is about respecting people of ALL differences. Races, sexes, genders and class ranges. Our world needs to understand what the word respect means, not tolerance. Tolerance leaves room for disrespect and annoyance. Acceptance is about respecting the rights of others, whether you like it or not. We all have morals we live by, religions we address our lives too and so on but the reality is our worlds are not everyone else's and their worlds do not revolve around ours. I want to stress and help you understand to take a step back and realize, your way of living is not always the best. Hard to swallow, i know. You are not always right and even more than that, I am not either.
 You will read this and "like" it or comment on it, but are you living it? Are you judging gay people behind their back or voting to take their rights? Are you throwing out racist jokes to make a few laugh, or taking a step even deeper and only hiring people based on their looks or races?
Where do you stand? Where? Because that is the place where you have to own up to. Lets go back to the past. Lets take a step back to the day Martin Luther King Jr. took the change into his own hands. Would you have told people to sit in the back of the bus or sat in the back with them. Would you have invited a black family over for the saturday bbq or hired them to be the maids for the day. How would you have been a part of the mobs yelling our hate towards AID's patients or been on the streets finding them and bringing them medicine. Clicking "like" is so, undeniably easy. It is as easy as making a joke or typing a discriminating status update. But standing up on the bus, marching down the street when you know your whole families reputation is at risk and standing infront of the nation you live in and demanding change, that is difficult. That is change worthy. Life is not about status updates or blogs, it is not about weight or make up, strength or wealth. It is about compassion, relating and building. Martin Luther King had a strong hold on that and worked to use that to change the world he lived in.  Today, imagine the world Mr. King imagined. A world with compassion and respect.
We act like we get to judge people because of what they wear, or where they work. Judging is the first step in feeding the mindset that tells yourself you are above that person. Judging allows you to believe you have the right to judge. You don't. If a woman is beating her husband or a man is beating is wife, we are supposed to step in and help and i truly think most of us can agree on that. But seeing a gay man loving his husband doesn't give you rights to beat them. You don't get to switch the two.
 I started writing this because in the past few months I write status updates about discrimination, and people "like" them. But those same people have had conversations or write status updates about how angry illegal immigrants make them or how grossed out gay people make them, so on and so on. So focus people, please i am begging you to focus on these words and listen to them. Do not settle for judging, but instead fighting against the habit and find equality with those around you. Equality.
Study that word. Memorize it. Life is hard alone, we do not need to add hardships onto other peoples lives.
So tomorrow, no today, when you run into a moment that makes you uncomfortable step back and reevaluate that situation and yourself. Think about how you would feel being judged like that. Think. Thats all I'm asking of you. Take an extra moment to reevaluate yourself because you may not be as respectful as you think.

A Blind Heart...?

This blog is going to be basically about the heart, which is far from basic.

You see, I was watching Grey's Anatomy and as I watched the scene where Arizona breaks up with Calli, my heart stopped. I was sadly devastated. Not because I have invested largely in their relationship, but because I have invested in my own. I see myself in Callie's shoes, standing at the airport blank and terrified. I see myself there, because I am scared to trust. I would rather believe ill be left broken and alone at the airport then loved and together at the end of the aisle. I make up reasons to push love and commitment away. I know I am not alone in this because friend after friend has come to me and told me how scared they are. Scared? Of what? Is your new girlfriend or boyfriend going to kill you? No, we do not fear the damage physically, unless were talking an extremely unhealthy relationship. We are talking about fear of heart break. What if they leave me, what if they cheat on me, what if they have more power than I do and I am left vulnerable.

What if? I fill my head and heart with what if's. I, as many do, let the past almost ruin the future. I forget to look at Dana and see Dana, I forget to wipe my ex's cruel words from my mind and instead hold true to what God has given me. We create reasons on why love faded out. I can't and am not speaking for everyone, some relationships really do need to end, some need closure and some need counseling. But some, are healthy and strong and worthy of confidence, yet we still doubt them. I still doubt it.

Why? Why do we hold a person to the acts that someone else did? "She broke my heart, so you will too"
I am mostly writing about this, not because I think I have some life changing words to say, but because I'm stumped. I look Dana in the eyes and see such beauty and wonder, and yet guard my heart as she speaks "I love you" from her stunning lips. I love her, yet dont know how to trust her? I do trust her...but I dont want to? so confusing!

Keep in mind I am being vulnerable and honest here, most blogs or facebook status updates rarely show reality for what it is, people don't write in the status "I am completely broken, I also hate my job oh and I'm in debt...good old life" Reality is scary. I am scared. Scared to be hurt, to be honest and most of all, be vulnerable. I dread the moment where Dana wants to move on. I prepare myself for the day she finds a better match.
Now I have great self esteem as a person, I walk down the street and feel confident and what not. But with my significant other, I remember the moments where I trusted and the past person damaged me, ignoring that the one I am with who has never done something like that. Trust is such a crazy thing, you can't see it, touch it or feel it but you know its there, or not. We wake up every morning making decisions about our lives and we decide what to wear and how who we are. I always say to Dana, "I wake up every morning and choose you, I choose us." I think that that is important. No matter what to pick the person you are with. So i try and remind myself I am picking her, not the people in my past. I have already come so far from the lost and shattered person I was 2 years ago. I am stronger, healthier and kinder. I am more trusting now than I was, but I am not where I want to be. How do you get to that point? Time. Thats what it takes, time and communication. Relationships are hard, but worth it.

I guess for those who read this, take from this that you deserve someone you can trust, but that person deserves to be trusted in return. You don't have to trust them right off the bat, but at least work towards giving them a part of you and not just holding it all to yourself. Love is about giving, even when you don't think you have any more to give.

Im rambling because this is where my mind is, she moved up here 2 weeks ago and I just am wondering when I will stop allowing my insecurities to get the best of me and just enjoy the wonderful gorgeous life I have. Life is way to short to be living it questioning everything that is good.

It's not are you healthy, It's are you skinny?

Hi, my name is Allena. I am 5'7", I weigh 145 lbs. I am Allena and I am a woman. I was born and raised in the US of A. I was surrounded by advertisements and shows that gave me the impression that I looked wrong all through out my childhood. I  grew up thinking my body was not the norm, and I would strive to be better. Since I was a teenager I have become more confident in my body. I more so became concerned with what I wanted my body to be capable of instead of how it would look, so I started wanting  my body to be more muscular, stronger, toned. I wish my stomach looked more like a six pack and less fat. I wanted strength even though that goes against all of what society is telling me to look like, and that makes me insecure.

Females. What a beautiful topic. Just saying that word makes me smile. They come in all shapes and sizes. They are soft, strong, tough and bad ass. Females create life. They literally only take 9 months to create something doctors still can't fully do. Females carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, all the while still looking stunning.

Females. Women. Girls. Ladies. Chicks. XX. Mother. Daughter. Sister.

I love the word ladies, it is so classy and respectful to all women of all ages, young ladies, wiser ladies, crazy ladies. So ladies, I will be referring to you as that from here on out.

Ladies, why do so many of you put make up on? Why do you where tight clothes? Why do you worry about your weight, how clothes fit and how you look? I don't know the answers to any of these questions, well heck do you? Do you know why you look in the mirror and look away before you have time to find a wrinkle, which by the way is a sign of laughter, smiles and frowns (emotions people...wrinkles show that a person feels...that is a gorgeous thing). Why do so many women get scared of a camera. You do know you walk around with that same face on all the time, like ALL the time. Cameras don't change your face, they just hold on to that gorgeous face. Cameras are something to grasp your beauty, not tear it down. Stop seeing who you are as a negative thing. No, not all of us are going to be run way models or even hand models but why should that matter. Because a room full of people don't think you are worthy of their time does not mean there isn't another room full of people who would love to disagree with them and defend you. I will always be in that room, ready to disagree, ready to fight, for your beauty. Always. I am so confident in this, because I know where beauty is. No, not inside. We'll yes it is, but this isn't that type of blog. I am writing about looks here, because saying something like beauty is in the eye of beholder or its the inside that counts...those things do not change your confidence and confidence is what I am talking about.  Ladies having firmly planted confidence. Beauty is in your confidence. I want you, each of you, to be able to stare into your mirror, standing there naked and no make up and be able to say "I am worthy of respect, I do not need to be skinner, I need to be healthy. I am worthy of love."
Worthy. You need to see that you are worthy. You are stunning and gorgeous and worthy. And yet you still question me? Why Allena? Uh hello, because I said so.
And I am serious, 'because I said so' is my only reply. Why should I give more? Why are you even questioning it in the first place? Worthy? Are you worthy? Absolutely. It was never supposed to be a question, it is simply a fact. And the moment someone decides if you are worthy or not based off of your sex appeal, curves, your acne, your crooked teeth or unplucked eyebrowns, drop them. Drop them so quick they feel the pain in their soul that they made you feel in your heart.
Because as shallow as some people are, others are quality. Big thighs, curves and stretch marks are a part of reality. Live in reality and stop entertaining the fantasies, because reality is gorgeous..while fantasies are cold. Reality doesn't have to be depressing and insecure. There are men, stand up quality men who see beauty as is it, something to cherish and value, not something to mold and polish and then put up on a mantel as a trophy.
Ladies, each of you bring something unique to this table we call life, each one of you brings a new type of skin tone, or smile, a new finger print and eye color. We are all ranging in all areas.
And do not get me started on pregnancy. Well there you go, you got me started.
        Ladies, you took simple genes and put them together in your body, without even thinking about it and started the process of life. You made a person, who wasn't there a day ago, appear in your body. A person who is smaller than a sesame seed. You did that without even concentrating. Over 274 days you protect that life, help it live and you sacrifice your time, body and life so that life can start. You do an amazing, gorgeous, impressive thing. You create a life. And after those 274 days, that life comes into this world and you are left to pick up the mess. The stretch marks, the weight, the changed body and more. I have never been pregnant. I may never be. But I do know that it is impressive beyond words. Ladies...I have seen stretch marks, I have seen stretch marks from growing to fast, losing and gaining weight and pregnancy. (I'm going to tell you a little secret...You are still breath taking..) I know I just told a huge secret and you are all denying it. Stretch marks are marks of strength, miracles, beauty and life. But they are viewed less because models don't have stretch marks, celebrities don't look like they have stretch marks...What kind of world would we be in if we, as a whole society, truly appreciated the beauty of the female body. Stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles and all. Those words made some of you uncomfortable. And yet they are just as much a part of your unique body as are your arms and legs. They are not flaws, they are accents. Flaws are health issues. Wrinkles, cellulite and stretch marks are skin. Be the change we need, see your body as extraordinarily wonderful.
Ladies, if you are pregnant, or were pregnant. Look in the mirror, feel your body and feel the stretch marks and say "Talented, gorgeous, impressive." Say it. Say it. Say it. Every day. Say it until you believe it to be the only truth. Say it, listen to it and know that I know what I am talking about. Your body is impressive.

I could write about this all day, but I won't waste any more of your precious time. I mean, you still need to go look in the mirror and that alone will take another 30 minutes, yes..look at your self and say you are beautiful for 30 minutes. Then tell me how you feel. And don't settle for beautiful, heck shoot for the stars since you are as gorgeous as they are..Go for intellectual, funny, talented, stunning, impressive and anything else you want.
Confidence is not just laid down and left. It is built, it is worked on and it is a consistent battle with society.
No, not every one is going to be your bodies biggest fan like me or your loved ones, but don't let them hold the key to your confidence. You are the key holder, you are your bodies defender. So, ladies, defend, protect and honor your body but understanding that you are unique, and you look like a model in your own wonderful way.Be passionate about who you are, what you are and why are you. And most of all, focus on being healthy, not skinny. Healthy. That is the underlining factor in all of this. Be healthy about your weight, be healthy about your body image. Be healthy. Ladies, you are wonderfully made and there is so much more to you than flesh and skin. There is a personality that is being overlooked. Never let your character or personality be defined by your smile, eyes or body shape. You are a female. You are a complex being that has layers upon layers of depth and those layers hold power. Read this and know this to be true, You are wonderfully made.

Do not let what other people think of you decide how you view you. Eating disorders start by little thoughts, depression isn't a leap, unhealthy body image doesn't happen over night. It is little moments that you ignore, dont stop, or better yet encourage because you do not feel sufficient enough. These painful things are slow, so stop them before it turns into a snow ball effect. Find strength and understand that insecurities are normal. Feeling insufficient is normal, but it doesn't mean its right. As I said, confidence is built over time. So find people to help you build it, keep it and strengthen it.

This video is of my presentation in Biology of Women, I truly think its worth watching and some of you just may be in it, I used the pictures from Facebook in it. Watch it and let know know how it affects you.

My World Is Not So Different From Yours..

Everyone has pride about something. Proud to be an American. Proud to be a Cougar. Proud to be ______. Pride. Why must I be proud to be an American? I am not saying I am or am not. I more so am asking. Why? Why must I have pride in the school I go to? Pride in my last name or in the color of my skin? Or more so certian things I can have pride in, and yet others I can't. I cannot, or 'should' not have white pride. But I can have gay pride, heck we even get our own parade and weekend called "Pride". But straight people 'should' not have straight pride. This is the society in which we all live.

Us vs. Them.

I was told recently to be proud to be an American, but I thought to myself...Why? What is America. Land. I live on soil, my soil is no better than the soil in Africa. I went to Zambia, I walked on their land and yes, if you are wondering, it felt just like ours. Land. That is all this world is. But I need to have Pride in that land. Why? Because people fought for this land....which is just that, land. I am not bashing on Americans or those who were the founders of our nation. I simply do not understand that world in which we live. I guess it is more that I am not glad I live in the US more than Canada or somewhere else. I live here because this is where I was born, this is where my family is. If I had been born in Italy, I would be proud of that. Who are we to decide who gets to live on our land and who does not. Citizens? I did not choose to be born here, I lucked out, I don't have to take a bunch of tests and pay money and try and try and try again and again to be a citizen, I was just born here. I am one of the 300,000,000 something that was born in the U.S. But why does that make me more worthy of being a citizen? Because it does. Why do we have boundaries? Because we do. We divide land up like it is ours to divide, and then we say who can and cannot be on that land. But I did not create this land, did you? No. For some, evolution did and for others God did and for me, God did it through evolution or whatever other way He wanted to, because He can do that, He is God. But either way, I, nor you were a part of that. And yet we take pride in our land. Our land is our land, but a foot later and it's some other persons land. My "property". Odd isn't it. But I am proud to be an American, not because of the country or land it's self or because of the boundaries that hold this country, but instead because of the people. The people that I know who fight for the freedom we have, because of the hard work my grandfather put into this country in farming the land, and the fact that the people in this country change peoples lives all over the world by missions and charity, I do see those great things. That doesn't change that I don't understand why we have states and countries and what not.

"Gay Pride" I hear this all the time. Allena, why don't you have gay pride. Well because I didn't pick it, so I can't be proud of it. I'm not not proud of it..I'm just mute on the issue. It's just like my eye color, I'm not proud to have blue eyes...I just do. But I am proud, more so excited, to be a Christian. I choose that every day. I wake up and consciously decide to live my life by Him. I have to go against my very nature of lying and sin and choose Him, I am honored to do that. I am honored to be a Barnes, not because of the name, but because of how cool my sisters and parents are. The name is simply our way of announcing our coolness. Pride in baseball teams, football teams, college teams and so on and so on. Yes, I totally get that some of it is out of fun and play, of course I leave room for that. But still there is extreme pride. Pride. It will never go away, and yet, I think it sometimes should. We have pride in money and status, and yet once again, just like the land topic, none of this is ours. It is simple objects. Land will blow away in the sand, concrete will crumble when struck and money will burn. And yet we firmly build our lives off of these basic items. I am in awe of how much the world is against each other based on pride, money and competition.

At Hollister I couldn't work at Buckle because they were our competitor. It was a job. A teenage job. But you had to choose, Us or Them..HCo or Buckle. Cougar pride. You cannot wear a Husky jersey at WSU or the other way around, and yet really, all the the school is, is a place of learning. The USA is a place to live, Hollister is a place to shop and work, WSU is a place to learn. And yet all are places of competition and pride. I honestly could not tell you the exact reason behind this blog. I am more so just intrigued by it all.

Throw away your money, strip yourself of your status and clothes, leave behind your house, remove your name and show me what you have left.
                         You.
You have you. That is all that is there when all else is taken away. For some they are left with themselves and God, or who their God is. But all objects are gone, all things of this world leave and fade. That may be what I am trying to get at with this blog. Seeing that pride in our country, pride in schools or companies. All of it can be simple and fun, but look at the heart of the issue. I ask you to look deeper beyond what is comfortable and remove the mask from your eyes and hold strong to the fact that people are the same. No matter what land they were born on or live on, no matter if they are wearing cotton, silk or are naked and no matter the amount of money in the bank account. I am just like you. I have a mind and a body. We are not so different, you and I. And that person, you despise. You are not so different from them either. Keep that in mind when you carry your pride on your back, be conscious of the fact that you are equal to the enemy you have. Their sin, is as equal to your sin as yours is to mine. So, proud to be an American? Is that what we need, or is more..I am an American. I am gay. I am white. But I am proud to be equal. My world is not so different from yours, My passions may be a little different but none the less we are both humans. Tomorrow, when you see a homeless man, a prostitute or stripper, an immigrant, or a person who is just..different from you. Grab that pride from your back, the part of you who wants to judge them, the part that wants to be proud to not be them, and realize..there is someone who is starring at you thinking that exact same thing. They are proud to not be you. You are someones enemy. Someone is judging you. Someone is wealthier than you. And if you can get to the point where you realize this, that you are no better or worse than the prostitute you were judging and the person judging you is no worse or better than you, than you can understand the heart behind all of this. You can see that people are something to be passionate about, not something to judge. Life is not judged off of how much money or pride you had, but how much you loved and cared. Next time you go to a funeral. Better yet, go to a strangers funeral. And you will see that when you go, knowing nothing about this person, you will leave still not knowing how much is in their bank account, but you will know what kind of person they were, and what kind of impact they left behind based off of stories and the people they kept company with.

So I ask you this. When you die, what will your funeral be like? What stories will be told and what people will be there. What memories will be brought up? Will it be only about your success and pride, or will it be about the lives you changed, the moments you embraced and the people who you loved.  What will your funeral, the last event of your life, be about?

Pride. How necessary is it really? Go a day without love, passion and a smile and you will feel the effects of it by the end of the day. Go a day without pride or status, and you will find that your day is still a beautiful day to be alive. I wish you all a stunning day. Take in the deepest breathe and feel the air in your lungs and know, you are alive. You are still an active part of this revolving world and you can impact it in so many ways, take pride in that.

Walking a mile in my slip on Vans..

I am tired, my whole being is drained. I desire sleep and when I close my eyes I know it is not all that I need. I am craving a moment. Just a moment, to be able to put my guard down, a moment to feel safe and a moment to just be me. I am aching to be normal, to not be a minority. I am not writing this to state being gay is right or wrong, to rub it in peoples faces. I am not saying if you think it is wrong, you are the devil himself or if you think it is right, you also are the devil. I am not writing a political blog, because as I saw from the last blog, that went over oh so great. This is a personal blog, letters put into words, words put into sentences and those sentences describing my life, my world, and my desires. This may offend some of you, if it does, this was probably something you needed to read but I would rather not hear from you on the matter. Now if you want to encourage me, write me because I am always accepting words of encouragement. But not to be rude, I am simply stating that I am vulnerable and weak, I am needing compassion and kindness, not lectures. If you disagree with my lifestyle, I still think you should read this, open minded and hear it from my side, and you could say, but Allena you just said you don't want to hear from us so why should I read your words if you wont read mine. My reply is because for the past 5 or more years I have read "your" words. At least once a month I receive messages on my Facebook about how sinful my life is, how I am wrong, and how I must change. So this time, I am asking you to read something that, no matter how uncomfortable it is, to learn something as I have had to do in the past. But how many times have you sat and listened to the person you were lecturing? So please, put down your already loaded guns and just, be. Enjoy the read for what it is, not an argument or debate, just a person outlook on their life, its you getting to slip on my white slip-on Vans and walking a mile in my shoes. Now some of you are reading this and you are supporters of me and my life. Some of you love me no matter the decisions I make, whether you agree or not. No matter the reason, This Is Me.

I love God. I also happen to love a girl. I feel like that should be the name of a book, maybe I'll steal my own idea and make that the title of my first book. But honestly My Girl is more than just a girl and every person who meets her knows this. But that of course..that is just a side note.
I adore my Creator, I have loved Him since I was a child. I grew up in the church. My mother was a pastor, this of course made me a PK (pastors kid). I was at the church 6 days out of the week because we attended the church's school during the week. Before I was a PK, I was raised on the best place on earth, The Ranch, a missionary training ranch. I couldn't tell you The Ranch's real name to save my life, we just always have called it The Ranch, and that's fine by me. I went to Mexico on missionary trips more times than I could count before I even knew how to count, and lived in Russia for 6 months as a 6 year old with my family while they started churches. What I am saying is, I know the Bible and I know my God. I know where all of you are coming from with your opinions and pleas for me to be straight, I know them because I was taught them, even more so I taught them to people before I came out. I have raised by people who showed me the love and greatness of God. I was surrounded by people doing God's work. I have been surrounded by God fearing people my entire life. The only gay person I knew of was a family member who I did not know very well. I didn't hear the word gay until I was probably in the 6th grade and someone was shouting it at me, because I dressed like a boy. I went to Baptist schools until my sophomore year of high school. I realized I was gay in the 5th grade. That is 5 years of being told you are going to hell, because of something I didn't understand. I hated me. I hated my thoughts, my attractions. I would try and copy girls and how they acted around boys. I changed how I dressed, I changed how I flirted, and I tried to change who I found attractive. Now this is where it gets uncomfortable, well for some of you. But imagine, the next time you go out of the house, you dress the complete opposite of who you are, and if you are a straight woman or man, imagine having to flirt with a woman or a man and making yourself be attracted to women/ men because being straight is morally wrong, because people think you are diseased. Also, do you remember the day you decided to be straight?

As I grew, so did my insecurities, and my depression. Who are you supposed to talk to about this? I could have been kicked out of school, I could have lost my friends, and I could disappoint my family. I was 12 and terrified.

My life was a secret because my sexuality was a disgrace.


I breathed, knowing I was simply existing in a world where I am different. I strived to contain my emotions, to obtain a covert life that slid through the cracks of judgment. I was overwhelmed with the passion so many carried against those who were gay, I was petrified of the damage they could do to my heart, to my soul. I lived only as facade, mimicking how I thought they wanted to me to be. Over the years I have, as they say, come out. Come out of the hindering closet that was nailing my individuality and soul to the floor and closing me in. I have come out over time, over a period of 4 painful and life changing years. Watching as my life, my appearance and my whole being finally came into Me. I studied the Bible as I always had, truly desiring to understand it more and hear out the verses. It was and is so brutally difficult to hear Gods whispers over society shouting. I know I will always be judged, this is not a new thing to people who are different from the majority. But I was given a voice and I plan on using that voice until I can speak no more. 

I remember the day I cut my hair. I, for the first time, felt attractive. I felt worth something, I felt beautiful. Society, my town, and so many others were unwelcoming to it. Things that are just accessories to who I am, such as hair and my clothes soon came to define who I was before I even opened my mouth. My own sexuality was determined by other people because of how they saw me, right or wrong I was a walking assumption. I was looked down on, and continuously am still looked downwards upon because of what I wear. This has no reflection of my own character, or off my personality but many use it as a deciding factor of who i was or am to them. If  I am safe or scary. Since I have come out, I have come to the realization that I am compared to rapist or murderer in most peoples minds. I would like for each and every one of you to stop reading, step back and think for a minute, a full minute of what it would feel like to be told you are just like a rapist by someone you used to call friend, or a co-worker or even better a family member. While I love being referred to as a rapist, i must say my favorite is when people act as if all there is to gay marriage/relationships is sex. like we are sexual animals and that is all there is. I feel somewhat bad popping that bubble, but were just like straight people, we don't have a special sex drive because we are gay.

I am human. I am kind, compassionate and I do my best to live a life honoring to God, to live an honorable life. But I am treated like I am evil because of my love life, people beg me to change even though no one can deny how sweet the love is that my fiancee and I have. Strangers will say I don't agree with the gay lifestyle but you two are so amazing together. We are judged off of one..ONE aspect of our whole lives. The dynamics and complex aspects of me mean nothing to someone who has made their mind up about me as a lesbian. Gay people are raped, abused and killed by conservatives who want to teach them and other people lessons. Our rights are played around with like a child plays with play dough. My character is assumed to be morally wrong, as if because I am gay, I am also a terrible sinner in all other angles of my life. 

I am not asking for your personal approval, to be honest, I don't need it. And you will not be there when I die and answer to God. Though I wish you were so you could see how much God loves me, but as is, this is between God and I. What I am asking for is not for your opinion to change, Im asking you to be kind and keep your opinions to yourself. I prayed away the gay for years, and here I am, getting married next week. I did all the things you think gay people should do, I tried to drink the "kool-aid" and it didn't work, because this is who I am and don't give me the verse on changing the sinful us to be more like Christ. I have studied theology and what you say to me will only hurt me, not change me. Thankfully I have been raised around enough amazing christians that what you say to me does not ruin Christianity for me. But what you say to other gay people will push them away from the Church and Christ. What you say does not create more believers and straight people, it creates brokenness and sadness because they are people with emotions. They want to grow old with someone who will love them, they want to be loved and to love.

My life is decided by other people everyday. My rights are decided, my safety is decided and most people think they can decide my salvation as well. I am gay, trust me, I am terrified as I write this, wondering what terrible things I will get back. Of course I get so many loving things back and I cannot let those things be less valuable. My plea, my one request out of this is think before you speak, before you judge and hear out the person you cast your scrutiny on. And above all else, love. Loving someone is what God asked us to do, so if you think I am living in sin,  love me just don't love the sin. I have so much more to write, and I most likely will write another blog about this because this is my life, and that is what a blog is supposed to be about, right? I am saddened and honestly, worn out now reliving a lot of the brutal things that have happened in the name of straightening out gays...I need to recoup and remember that God and I, we are good, He is the foundation of my life and relationship. If you disagree with all of this and are extremely angry at me, well...ya I really don't know what to tell you...but have a great day.